May 5, 2012

I just dont know...

I don't. I don't know when this journey is going to be over, and despite my best efforts I am not enjoying it. I know I will probably look back with fondness and say remember when?

Remember?

We lived in an impossibly small space, and the kids were always in bed with us, and our crap was piled up all over the place, and we were poor students, and we lived hand to mouth...

Remember?

Pft. I read all these blogs and its all sunshine and roses all the time as they DIY their new houses, and then here and there write a post about how things didn't go quite right with that chair they picked up of craigslist and it was an epic fail and blah blah blah, until I want to vomit a little in my mouth.

yeah. like that's a problem.

 I bet they didn't have to borrow money from their bestie in SD to get emergency dental work. I bet they didn't sell their car to pay tuition. I bet they don't wake up daily and WILL themselves to get up and try and function for the day...

Where am I going with all this? I don't know...I think I am just complaining...which is something they also don't do on their blogs...

Basically I am wondering when its not all going to feel like such a struggle...to get through the day...to just get to life.

Is this the cross I have to bear?

I know all of this sounds like I am REALLY unhappy, and I will admit that at times things are really UNPLEASANT her in Jana-ville, but I am pleased with myself and my life...I am certainly happy with my husband and kids...they are fantastic, and I have a wonderful marriage...it is strong and loving, and full of all kinds of good stuff...it also has its minor bumps, little fights, challenges and the occasional bickering...but thats how we hash things out...how we stay close...how we grow...we give each other enough room to be ourselves...

but I digress.

I used to really enjoy this blog. Its still my baby, but I just don't feel compelled to put anything out there very often. I am just out of energy.

I am also at a crossroads of sorts...trying to decide what path to take...praying really hard for peace, for an answer, for a real push in one direction or another...I even went as far as to say "dear God, if you make me pregnant than I will know I should just be a SAHM" That may not sound too silly until you consider that my tubes are tied...basically I am asking for a divine conception as a sign??? Now that I think about it, that could possibly be a sign that I should continue on with a career, since one more child would surely put me in the poor house.

I am changing. but I just don't know who I am going to end up being. Maybe that's why the whole blog posts have just dried up. The things I used to write about, interior design and such, just seem so trivial and inconsequential when on a daily basis I am thinking about how to afford tuition next term, where I am going to come up with rent, and praying not to get sick since I don't have any health insurance and apparently winning the Oregon Health Lottery isn't happening for me (yeah, they drop your name in a lottery...effing awesome...I could go years without insurance)

 This is where I remind myself that I chose this. I chose this path. I chose my life. I chose to go back to school. But deep down there is a part of me that wishes I had done all the foundation work for my life in my 20's when one is supposed to do those things. I just didn't know how to make good choices back then.

But don't cry for me Argentine.... tomorrow everything will be all roses and sunshine because that is the kind of emotional roller coaster I live on...thanks for coming along for the ride.

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1 comments:

Caleb and Julie Barnes said...

Guess what friend....I admire you. You are real in a very fake world. You are experiencing real life, in a society that is all about appearances and superficial stuff. You are richer for it, as hard as it is on the heart at times. There is something rich and blessed that comes from a place of being broken of ourselves....we know that we are not adequate in ourselves and we need God. It is just hard though. I am speaking to the women at my church tomorrow about hope in the midst of unmet expectations and disappointments in life....and so I will leave you these two passages...2 Corinthians 4:16-18 and 1 Peter 1:3-9 (especially verse 6). And your know, other people probably have bigger problems than you, they are just pretending they dont. Keep on keeping on...because you inspire many, including me. Love you friend...