I know I said I was taking a break but I came down with the flu and have now found myself up at night with nothing to do and no sleep in sight. Although I don't like being sick there is nothing like the flu to make you stop everything you are doing and just rest. Rest from work, rest from worry and stress, rest from the laundry, rest from all the expectations we lay on ourselves. It has been somewhat renewing.
Yesterday I woke on the couch, nose crusty and stuffed, head full, and chest heavy as if I had swam the length of a bay...the kind of tired that renders one listless and overcome by heavy lids. I rolled over to the sweet boy that is my red headed son. I snuggled him and took in the morning moments that exist only when everything is quiet and the sun beckons you through the window to start anew. This is a special time. When everything seems perfect even in its imperfection. Even though you know that soon the commotion of another day will shortly commence...this moment is magic. I breathed it in and finally pulled my heavy body up. I needed a shower. I needed to be washed over...to let the steam fill my sinuses. Nothing feels better after time spent consumed by your own germs then a hot shower. As if to give your body a chance to start clean and fresh and do the work we come to take for granted...the movement and efforts that allow us to accomplish simple daily objectives.
To my surprise the sun was planted firmly in the morning sky. All was quiet on the farm except for the sounds of nature. A rustle of leaves, a bird in the distance, blades of grass rubbing together to create a sweet symphony of sounds mostly unnoticed.
I walked with my towel down around to the back of the farm house and opened the door. The sun shone in just so and warmed me as I turned on the water. "I think I will leave the door open." I just stood under the water, door wide open, sun shining in...and I can honestly say it was the best shower I can remember. One of my favorite memories of this year. And it reminded me of all the little gifts that God gives. Just when I wanted to throw my hands up because my chronic exhaustion was getting the better of me and on top of it I had caught the flu...just when I was ready to despair...God renews my faith in his love for me, his perfect timing, his little gifts every day.
I am here to tell you that if you open your eyes, if you are willing to see, whatever it is you are looking for you will find it. If you are looking for Gods perfect timing, his mercy, his gifts big and small...it is there for you. Open your eyes and you will see it.
I can honestly say that there are days when I cry...when it is all too much. When living in 400 sq feet with your kids on top of you all the time and never enough counter space...or space period is just too much. I have despaired. I know that is a strong word but I mean it...I have broken down. cried. despaired.
and yet...every time God brings along some little gift that renews me even if it is only enough renewal to get me through the day, the hour, the moment.
I truly believe in his perfect timing and his little gifts. I am grateful for the flu...it slowed me down to a stop. I was able to sit in the sun on the last two days of warm weather this year. It gave me the excuse to enjoy that meatball sandwich and to sit in bed for most of the day with a book. It gave me my favorite memory of the year. The best shower ever. It sounds silly when I say it. I don't care. Its true. It was THE BEST!
farm life can be hard, but it is also oh so good...