September 7, 2011

I wish

I wish I had enjoyed my pregnancies more. Worried about money less, and just enjoyed the swelling belly and the life in me that was being grown and nurtured. I wish I knew then what I know now. That life passes way to fast and that precious moments with your child are like sand through your hands. There and then quickly gone. I wish that I'd had more compassion for myself, let myself off the hook, let my credit go to shit and quit my job...ignored the bills and instead cuddled up on the couch with a newborn who deserved every bit of my attention...instead of leaving her with someone else. I wish I hadn't missed those moments, and I wish I hadn't given away my time with her.

Oh a mothers regrets

Well I am taking my time back. Today I said no to a number of things and a couple of people all in the name of being with my first born on the day before she starts kindergarten. We went to the mall and I let her get the shoes she wanted (Toms) which will look dirty and crappy in no time and probably wont hold up like the Nordstroms flats I wanted for her, but were the ones she had her heart set on. We got a milkshake and a cheeseburger and drank it up in the heat of the car. We shared junk food and it was fabulous...a treat we rarely indulge in. Her father and I hugged her tight as she got 3 shots...the last of her immunizations until age 10. Today I listened, and we talked, and I felt like I was taking it back...everything I gave away, took for granted, and let pass by without soaking it up...I took it back and it felt so good. Down to the core of my being it Felt. So. Good.

I hope you know how much I love you. How I worry about making you feel loved. How I worry even more about you knowing how much I like you. Of course I love you, I am your mother and you are my daughter...but I also like you. I like the person you are, your thoughtful heart, how you tell dad to get almond butter because its my favorite and how you draw me pictures and make me paper people. I think you are smart, sensitive, creative, and so much more. I want to be here for you, be the mom you need and want... I feel lucky to have you.

I love you and I am positive you are going to do big things one day.





Anonymous said...

aw jana thia definitely made me tear..You and derrick are great parents and I hope you know that. Tell parker I love and to have an awesome day at school tomorrow :)
-aunt nikki

Caleb and Julie Barnes said...

Priceless. Timeless. This is my favorite blog EVER! :)

Libby's Life said...

You made me cry with this post! It really makes me just want to hug my little man forever and not let him grow up! Being a momma is so powerful and wonderful and hard all at the same time. You love to experience all the new things with them but you don't want to let them go. You are a great mom and your kids really do know how much you love them! :)

Kelly said...

You and Derrick have done a fantastic job raising this little beauty. ♥ love you guys

Jana said...

Libby, you are so right! being a mom is powerful, wonderful, and hard at the same time...I don't think there is a better way to put it. Thank you for that comment. It really resonated with me :)