September 5, 2011

hmmm, I am trying to decide whether I am going to keep this one short and sweet and go ahead and word vomit all over the place because there is so much running through my head.

Well for starters, I did it, I cut my hair. I went from this...

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Lawd! I have so much hair!
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that's what I lost...iphone for size reference


To This!
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Funny enough when I was getting ready to cut it I thought to myself "I am going to feel like me again, this is going to be SO great" but that is not how I ended up feeling. It wasn't like some perfect hair homecoming where you feel the comfort of what is tradition and familiar. I just feel like a different version of me. No better no worse. I can say that I feel a lot prettier because I feel like I look more polished since styling it is a breeze. I never felt very put together or unique when my hair was long, so in that respect the short hair is great. I feel like my old sassy self.

This is one thing that helps simplify my life. I feel like things have been utter chaos for the last couple of months AND my kids don't know whether to scratch their watch or wind their butt. Not to mention both my kids have started talking with major attitudes and yelling at me. I know why. They have merely picked it up from me and I am SO SAD about that. So. Sad.

Something has to change...it just has to. I am not enjoying the journey. Im just not. I am feeling like a failure as a wife and mother. I cant even keep up with my house or sit down and spend time with my kids. Its SAD.

Derrick and I have concluded that we need to make our life more simple and do less. Just do less. Say no to other people more often and say YES to our kids and YES to a life free of stress. We have even once more come around to talks of selling the Honda and going down to one car.

Whatever it is I need calm, I need to be in an environment where I can remain calm, feel peace, and be the behavior example my kids need. Its really hard to stop that dance...now that the kids have started with this snotty tone I have to really take a deep breath and then calmly parent in a constructive way. I wish I was born with that inner peace. Its so hard to come by for me. I anger SO easily. This is really where God comes in for me. It feels so good for me to be able to say "God, I cant do this by myself. I NEED your help."

I also reached out to my friend Molly who always seems to have it together, and the take away from her advice was, create consistent routine, including a special night/activity with the kids that happens regularly, AND get your kids together with other kids regularly.

I started by making them a contribution chart. I explained it to them today, and we did the evening activities before bed...this is what it looks like

chore chart

For example in the morning Parker has to feed our cat Lucky, wipe down the table after breakfast and brush her teeth. Kellan has to help put away the bed, help take out the recycle, and brush his teeth as well. Evening activities include picking out clothes for the next day, brushing teeth, and sitting down to read (Me or Derrick reading to them for now)

I hope it will help us establish a routine. I am going to do my own chore chart to help me establish a routine of laundry, cleaning the bathroom, scrubbing the floors etc etc.

And then I am going to again, Pray a lot! LOL! sometimes all you can do is give it to God. That's where I am right now.

Another thing that I really need to do in order to function is to get organized. For someone who has a scattered mind organization can be difficult.  Even if you get all organized, the connection of items having their own "home" isn't front and center and so things still end up messy and misplaced.  Apparently this is the hallmark of hoarding as well...great.   My solution is to just have less stuff.   Its hard to have "less stuff" with 4 people in 400 sq feet and still have all the stuff you need for a functional life.  But I am at that point where I am ready to part with things I love just to feel sane again.  I want my life to be more simple (FOREVER) anyway, so this is just another step in that direction.

I would love to go on and on and on but tomorrow I pick up my mom and we have something really special planned to do with the kids so I have to get going to bed :)


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3 comments:

Jenni @ RainyDayGardener said...

You'll get there sweetie, time is a great teacher of patience. Reaching out to those that you admire and reaching in to restore balance. It's a terribly difficult journey, to undo what we've been taught are symbols of status and accomplishments. Baby steps and remember to enjoy your journey. Love Jen

Molly said...

Your posts always give me chills... I love your writing! I am so glad that you are finding ways to simplify! I love the idea of a "contribution chart" - genius! We are have an evening and morning chart with pictures - brush teeth, pick out clothes, etc... But I love not calling it a chore chart! I must do that... You are too cute to mention me because I sooo do not have it together all the time - it's an ever changing learning experience. Parenting - it's hard stuff!

Jana said...

Jenni and Molly, thank you SO much for the comments...you two are momma's I admire so it is nice to get encouragement. And Molly the genius lies with whoever made that chore chart (I found it on the web so long ago I don't even remember where!)

Jenni, I feel like we are journeying (word?) together. Its nice to have a friend to do the journey with.