May 21, 2011

4 years ago at this time

I was calling a nurse into my room asking her to cath me so I could empty what felt (vaguely) like a full bladder. Turns our it was your head crowning. Nan (my NP, midwife) said ok you can push as soon as you have another contraction...are you having contractions?....is the machine even working? To which I replied "I think I am just going to push" and with that I started pushing and she looked and said "yeah, that works too"

A couple pushes in and the cord came down before you...I was at the end of my breathe pushing hard, when Nan starts frantically yelling "push! push! push!" and I said "I am trying". I couldn't feel anything I was doing because of the epidural. In the moment I paused pushing to take a breathe and start again, my mom leaned in and said "honey, push now, push hard, his cord is out" I gave a hard effort and out you came.

The whole process beginning to end was no more than 7 minutes.

I was anticipating seeing you, holding you, loving on you...but when they placed you on my chest I only had a chance to see your bright orange hair before you sucked your first breath, which pulled your chest in so severely that they took you away to asses you.

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Over the course of the night they gave you oxygen, and the next day you were transported to the NICU at Emanuel.

I never got to hold you.

It was hard being without you but I also knew you were in the best possible care. You were there for a week. Dad and I visited everyday. Other family members visited often as well...at one point I had a moment of freak out and called the NICU "Nobody holds my son before me...I just want to make sure we are clear that he is NOT to be held until I hold him first and then I will approve who holds him and when" I just couldn't bear the thought of some other well meaning family member holding you before me.

Now here we are 4 years later... You are a joy!

A true blessing.

I am so lucky to have you.

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Happy Birthday Kellan

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1 comments:

Annie said...

brought a tear to my eye... we love you Kellan, happy birthday!