April 29, 2009

Tomorrow is another day....

Today I feel like a bad mom....it makes me sad to say that, but I do

I find myself at moments wanting to pull my hair out. I couldn't have patience today if you paid me. Parker asked me a question, and with not even a second for me to think about it, repeated her question about 5 times like a broken record. I almost lost it..I literally caught myself saying "Parker! Can you just give me a second to answer you before you keep repeating yourself!" As if this means anything to her. I felt like the worst mother, and not just in that moment, but all day today. There are moments (many) in my day to day existence as a mom where I don't even feel like I am in touch with myself. I feel like an actor playing a role, except the show doesn't end...I always have to be in character. I don't think I will ever be the same as I was before kids. I will always be giving of myself to them because that is what it takes to be a good mom, but it really doesn't come easily or naturally for me....I end so many days feeling guilty about things I think I didn't do right, or times when I just didn't have the patience....

I know I love my kids, I want to get better at this parenthood thing....and I hope with each frustrating day I find new resolve to be a better, more patient mom. I hope when my kids grow up they will look back and feel that they were loved and cared for by me, not because I had to or because it was my job as their mom, but because I liked them as people (independent of them being my kids) and had a real interest in the quality of their childhood.

Maybe the loss of parts of myself (or time to myself) is really a means of finding and developing those qualities that I might not have striven for if it weren't for them...selflessness, patience, empathy....

The silver lining? A really wonderful day with my kids, where we laugh, little things roll off my back, and everything they do it cute to me, is usually precipitated by a day like today.

Here's to tomorrow.

4 comments:

Annie Rivers-Dennis said...

Oh man, I think we all have days like that... it is stressful sometimes being with the kids day in and day out, and then there is that mommy guilt. Good thing is, I think, for the most part, we are all doing better than we think we are on those days!

Molly said...

Yep, it's part of being a mom. I find I feel like this more days than I don't. You are a fantastic mom, I have loved seeing pictures of you with your kids, it is obvious that they mean the world to you. The other day one of the kids was doing something and Andy about blewup. He immediately said, "I don't know how you do this everyday..." Sometimes I don't know how either! And I agree with the previous comment that we really are doing better then we think we are. Just the other day I was talking to HAyden about when he gets married and has a house of his own and he was adimant that he will live with me forever because he would miss me too badly if he moved out... I'm pretty sure he was getting in trouble for something just minutes earlier!

Jenni said...

I felt the exact same way at times when I was home with the kids. There is no such thing as a perfect Mom. I think the nicest thing we can do for our kids is to just be real and I found myself having to apologize to the kids if I was just being snappy or the like. I never remember my own mother apologizing for anything..right or wrong, she was always right and that is something I personally want to do differently.
Tomorrow IS another day :)

Conrad, Michelle, Bronwen & Ava Family said...

Jana,

The fact that you do think of those things speaks volumes of how great of a mom you are. On the good days, I say, "With kids it's amazing how much you give." On the bad, "All I do is give and give and give!" Hee-hee! We all feel that way. The great thing is that you are there for your children now because this precious time will be gone before you know it.